The Most Annoying Things About Berlin’s Restaurants
You may be a Berliner by birth. You may be a Berliner by naturalization. You may have been a Berliner all your life and only discovered it when you moved out here last January due to the unending cluster fuck that is the Unites States government. Or maybe you got tired of the rat race you used to be a part of, but whatever the case, you are a Berliner! And no matter what anyone tells you, there is nothing that is more of a “Berlin right” than bitching about all the annoying shit that is so irredeemably annoying. And while some cultures may stake their claim on Southern hospitality, or a no bullshit New York attitude, or a certain French je ne sais quoi, so does Berlin stake its claim on being pissed off. But just as the fly on the toilet used to say, better to be pissed off, than pissed on.
So in the spirit of Berlin’s cultural birth right, Mr. Eatler reached out to the community for the airing of grievances in order to list out the most annoying things EVER in the Berlin restaurant scene. Stay tuned for the on going bitch fest that is… Ugh, So Fucking Annoying. Here’s a taste.
HORRIBLE SERVICE – The “Go-Fuck-Yourself” genre of service. Sometimes common for long standing establishment who don’t really care for their patrons, but is often found in the most humble of Berlin establishments. “Oh, you haven’t decided yet? You would like to ask what I like on the menu? How about a nice plate of Go Fuck Yourself Benedict.”
NO PROTOCOL – You know how you come in to a sparsely filled restaurant and you politely wait for the next part of the social contract to come in to play? Well don’t you feel like a goddamn moron right about now? “Oh you wanted to be shown to your table? You can sit right over by the don’t waste my fucking time window.
PARENTS AND THEIR SHITTY SHITTY KIDS– Sunday morning. The sky is blue, the birds are chirping and you’ve taken your hangover out for a spin. Perhaps you’d like to sit down next to that lovely young family by the window. Yes that one with the two crying babies and a third toddler running between the tables and tripping up the wait staff. Why parenting, you say? “We want our children to be freeeeee.”
NO MUSIC – Music!? But then how are you going to hear the couple two tables over perform the “Silverware Symphony” accompanied by a cameo performances of “Chewing with your fucking mouth open”?
NO CREDIT– My love, I adore these romantic candlelit dinners. I just want to go home and make sweet, sweet love to you. But before we do that, I’m going to go for a twenty minute jog in downtown Kreuzberg to find the nearest bank machine. You stay here alone as collateral.
BARS WITH NO FOOD – Goddamnit, would it kill you to microwave some shitty mozzarella sticks for christ’s sake? We just want to stay here and keep drinking, but we’re fucking hungry.
TAP WATER FEES – Charging for tap water is like charging for the eighth minute of a seven minute abs program. Just throw it in already.
LATE TO OPEN/EARLY TO CLOSE – Have to rush to work? Gotta run around with your kids after? How can we patronize your cafe if you open at 10:00 and close at 16:00? What are you? The Italian embassy?
NO LATE NIGHT DINING – “The theater was lovely tonight, my dear! And your gown is absolutely smashing, opera gloves and all. Oh, you’re hungry are you? Well, it’s already 22:15… care for a döner or a currywurst? Watch out for the ketchup”
“AUTHENTIC RESTAURANTS” – Remember that one time you ordered that Hijiki seaweed salad and it came with Rhineland dressing on a bed of iceberg lettuce?
ATTACK OF THE CLONES – Wait, have we been here before? Is this place on some sort of “Chef Share?” Are they pooling menu ideas? Are 50% of the restaurants in this town operated by the same crew? It’s deja vu all over again.
AIR CONDITIONING – Look it up. It’s a thing.
If we missed any of the annoying shit make sure you hit up Mr. Eatler and let him know wussup!